Like all people everywhere contemplating writing anything longer than a sentence, we hoped to outsource this year’s note to ChatGPT. We threw the LLM 21 years of holiday letters and told it to:
- Derive our family themes
- Choose who it would prefer to be stranded on a desert island with and, while you’re at it..
- Tell us WTF is going on in the world/is this a simulation after all?
Read to the end, and you might discover some answers to these equally-important questions.
Our 2023 family sabbatical was a 10-day Galapagos vacation, which – for Jennifer – was the equivalent of 10 months at home. Significantly, it was on a boat. Adult-parenting lends itself to childhood-fear amnesia. Thus, we were two days in when Devon reminded us of his relevant aversion: he doesn’t like boats1. Devon left early. Jennifer favors destinations featuring abundant manicure options – so she also struggled but went the distance. Because she is tough.
The Galapagos are home to many many types of iguanas. To some, they all look the same, but they are not. Also, tortoises and turtles are totally different and don’t mix them up otherwise your nature guide will look down on you and the lecture will last longer. And don’t get us started on the difference between seals and sea lions. Pro tip: they’re all sea lions, it doesn’t matter why. If a massive pipe bursts above one of your cabins at 2AM, you will wake to find yourself drenched in what you hope is water. Which leads to a profound nautical truism: water outside the boat: good; water inside the boat: bad. They say the Galapagos is one of those destinations that is beautiful but not easy. Truth.
Cooper is studying in Copenhagen. Living adjacent to Christiania, the open-air drug district, he’s acquired a diverse set of friends who casually enjoy heroin. He frequents the beach and certain sunny parks, due to positive attitudes toward toplessness. As a people, Danes exhibit whatever the opposite of body dysmorphia is. Consistently tall with unbelievable cheekbones, it takes a visitor some time to adjust to a country entirely composed of extra-calm supermodels. Cooper is coping.
Devon is studying in Florence, and enjoys considerable beach time for identical reasons. He enjoys travel with friends, having recently flown from Geneva to Turkey to Greece by way of Romania. If you need help with your travel plans, you might call someone else. Please enjoy a recap of his trip in the appendix below.
Téa Sloane is laser-focused on college apps, and completely oblivious to anything else. Curious about the extent of her oblivion, Andy decided to gradually enhance Téa’s car. He started with a British flag decal in her air scoop, then a checkered flag license plate frame, then a personalized license plate (TSLOANE), followed by puffy flaming skull stickers on her doors. We haven’t heard a peep. Andy plans to step it up by adding hood stripes and while he’s at it, add hot-rod flames to Devon’s Hybrid Ford Fusion because Devon appreciates irony.
Andy and Jennifer will celebrate and possibly enjoy their 25th anniversary this May so are shoring up their relationship learning: 1) In every partnership there is a person who loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and another who approaches it like a raccoon on meth. Jennifer is the racoon on meth. 2) If you are too secure and comfortable, you become complacent; seek discomfort to challenge yourself and grow. This year, for example, Andy co-founded a new startup and simultaneously has seemingly physically regressed in age. Meanwhile, Jennifer became a certified death doula because she is so fun. 3) Manifest what you want to see in the world. Andy throws up in his mouth a little whenever ‘manifest’ is used as a verb but he would like to find his AirPods when he wants to use them. He thus labeled our overflowing collection of now mostly lost earpods in ineffectual self-defense (and proof that manifesting does not work):
- “Astronaut Mike Dexter’s Airpods.”
- “Dad deserves AirPods too.”
- “Not Your AirPods.”
- “Go Find Your Own Airpods.”
- “Inspired by my Self-Starting Children who buy their own AirPods.”
As we look to 2024, we’re filled with gratitude for your love and wishing you accidental discoveries, movements you can get behind,
and nuanced insight on iguanas. With love, j, a, c, d and ts – plus Mackey and ChatGPT.
Appendix 1 – How to Fly from Turkey to Greece with Devon
Once upon an Istanbul day this Fall, Devon and his friend went to bed at 2AM to wake at 5AM – just enough time to pack, catch an Uber, and make it to the airport to board a 6:30AM flight to Athens, en route to Mykonos. Arriving at the airport just in time, they breathlessly enquired of a random airport person, “Where is the flight to Athens?!” She replied: “At the other airport.”
Realizing they couldn’t get to the airport on the other side of the city in time (who knew Istanbul had two airports?), they decided to find a new flight! But there were no flights to Athens despite the fact that it was 7AM and their Athens-Mykonos flight wasn’t till 7PM.
Devon texts us: “Bad news: there are two airports in Istanbul and we picked the wrong one. But the good news is that it’s not my fault because I made this same ‘wrong airport’ mistake last week in LA”. (He might be thinking that two negatives make a positive. In any case, the logic does not hold).
He continues: “Also, more good news is that the flights are super cheap. But the bad news is that they aren’t if it’s the same day”. They pay $600 for “only flight that goes to Mykonos.” So Devon lost the money for both of his flights to Mykonos through Athens, and has now booked a new flight.
It was surprising to learn that despite Greece only being under 350 miles away, the new flight involves two stops and mostly goes in the wrong direction. First stop: Romania. This is tricky because Romania shares a border with Ukraine, so there’s a bit of a “no fly zone” situation. Andy decided to ‘help’ by remotely booking him on a flight direct to Athens with extra legroom. It was cheap and easy! Ten self-congratulatory seconds passed before Andy realized that the non-refundable ticket he had brilliantly purchased was for the following month.
Devon and his friend wait for six hours in the incorrect Istanbul airport, best described as “smelly.” At 1:40PM they are off to Romania! At 3PM, Devon texts that they arrived in Romania and apparently all Romanian women enjoy wearing large amounts of toxic fragrance which serves to distract Devon from the enemy airspace concerns. He relays other observations on culture and women that should never be shared but we will include it here because he will never read this newsletter.
They wait an hour and board “the oldest and smallest plane” that still operates to Bucharest. Devon begins hyperventilating because the seats are so small and there is no legroom. Andy unhelpfully shared that his October flight has more legroom if he wanted to wait.
But they land in Athens and kiss the ground – no more Romanian women! They wait another hour and board an even smaller plane to Mykonos. Finally, they land in Mykonos, the happiest place on earth for 21 year olds at 10pm, only 17 hours after beginning their journey. Life is so rich.
Appendix 2 – ChatGPT-derived family themes (for those of you who can read till the bitter end)
- Cultural Misinterpretations and Experiences where the family grapples with different cultural norms and languages. The juxtaposition of their American sensibilities with non-American cultures creates accidental discoveries and sub-par experiences.
- Culinary Catastrophes: Jennifer’s adventurous yet frequently disastrous attempts at cooking and baking provide a lighthearted form of entertainment and horrible tasting food. These scenarios often lead to amusing family reactions and sometimes fire.
- Tech and Modern Life Quirks: The family’s interactions with technology, like their use (and misunderstanding) of the Naked Labs Body Scanner or Dad’s fascination with gadgets, provide a humorous commentary on modern life and its complexities.
- The DSM-5 doesn’t have a specific label for Devon’s fear, and while you might think it’s somewhere between hodophobia (travel by boat) and
megalohydrothalassophobia (large underwater creatures), it’s closer to cleithrophobia (being trapped). This sentence was brought to you
without the help of ChatGPT. ↩︎